I hate saying I’m a Christian to people, because honestly, I don’t want to be lumped in with people who just go to church on Sunday morning and pray the rosary and what not, but don’t actually live it out. I hate associating myself with a denomination because I again don’t want to be lumped into a category of predetermined concepts of what I should believe. I hate saying I don’t go to church on Sunday morning, because there is immediate judgment, and I never get the chance to explain. So I think I’m going to talk about that here.
I don’t go to church on Sunday mornings (while I’m at school). There are a couple reasons for this. 1. I am currently struggling with the church and all that entails. I’m struggling with the inaccuracy of some things I’ve been taught (which I’ll come back to) and I’m struggling with the lack of action and responsibility the church has taken on things that are really important and I think we as believers are called to do. Also, I have a problem with doing things only if you feel called, so that was a bad word choice. I think technically, we are called to do everything, while we may only be spiritually gifted in a couple areas. For instance, I am called to evangelism, even though it is not my spiritual gift, nor am I comfortable doing it. Does that mean I leave the job to everyone else? Absolutely not.
2. I’m not sure what kind of church around here I would go to if I chose to go to one. I went to one at the beginning of last semester, the only one around that I really thought I would fit into really well and connect well with the background of church styles that I have. I went to this church for about ten minutes. I walked in, and walked out. There was an evil sense in the room. It was one of those churches with lights, and songs, and everything seems very contemporary, but something was very, very wrong. God was not in that room, but someone else was. It was probably the scariest feeling I’ve ever had in a church. Not right.
3. I don’t have a car. (lame. I know. If I had a way to get to church on a regular basis– which doesn’t happen a lot here– I may have thought about it more)
All that being said, I need to clarify a few things. I still have fellowship with other believers. I still have corporate worship. A lot of people here say that chapel does not equal church. Why not? I go to chapel with an open heart and I learn something every single time. I worship with all of my heart. I have fellowship there too. I treat it like church, and most of the time, I don’t feel the obligation and therefore I want to go. If we looked at the definition of a church, then chapel would be church. Teaching. Fellowship. Accountability. Worship. The church is a body of people, not a building.
I’m going to go back to what I said earlier about the things I’m struggling with. I’m really working through things pertaining to what I have been taught in the church. All my life, I’ve heard these nice little Bible stories, and things like “the Bible has nothing wrong with it except punctuation.” “Every word is inspired by God.” I’m really struggling with those things, because from deeper studies, I’m not so sure if they are true. I think that somewhere along the lines, we may have mixed up tradition and facts. Did Moses really write the Pentateuch? Did John the Baptist really baptize Jesus, because if so, then why did Luke try and make it seem like he didn’t? The more I study the scripture without bias and tradition, the more I think that I’ve been taught tradition and not truth.
That being said, none of this has changed the core of what I believe. I think that has come from a new understanding about faith. I used to think faith was having everything figured out and believing that it was true. Lately, I’ve learned that faith is having unanswered questions, but still taking that step onto the ground you don’t see. You believe it is there without understanding how or where it is. True faith isn’t believing what you know; it’s believing without a doubt what you don’t know. I think our God isn’t our God if he fits inside our heads. If I could understand everything about God and his word, I would stop believing, because he wouldn’t be big enough to be my God. And I’m not just talking about the cliche questions, like trying to understand the nature of God and the trinity. The little things matter too. Like believing that regardless of whether or not we know who authored the books of the Bible and what their intentions were, we take it just as it was written, with its bias and intentions, and read it because it’s still God’s word.
I don’t think having questions is wrong. Actually, I think it’s really healthy. Anyone who tells me differently seems to think they have all the answers, but I don’t think that’s possible.
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February 3, 2011 at 3:54 pm
metamorphosisofthemind
Wow, Lerryn, that’s some theological food for thought. For what it’s worth, here’s one thing that has given me some clarity in the midst of all the clamor of Christian voices out there. I continually ask myself, “What/who is it that I ultimately trust? What/who is my ultimate authority?” People answer that question in different ways. Some say the teachings and traditions of the Church. Some say the words of the bible. Some say their own inner religious perceptions.
I’d say, however, the best answer by far is simply the voice of Jesus Christ Himself. “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” (Jn. 10:27-28) Christianity isn’t about trusting an institution or a book or some kind of inner voice. It’s ultimately about trusting a person, Jesus Christ.
Once Christ is at the center and foundation of everything, the other pieces fall into place. I don’t trust the bible because it appears to be inerrant. I trust that it is inerrant because Christ viewed what we call the Old Testament as being from God, testifying to His own life and work, and He personally commissioned the authors of what we call the New Testament to be His witnesses to the ends of the earth. I believe Moses wrote the Pentateuch because Jesus believed Moses wrote the Pentateuch. Jesus is at the center of everything.
Likewise, the church is certainly full of stupid sheep, but they’re Jesus’ stupid sheep, who hear His voice (however vaguely), and I try to love them as He loves me.